Conservative Deserters

This mail was not even close to funny, smart or witty, but it came from a distinctively conservative friend, so frustration seems to run high in the US of A.

>>> Subject: think ahead

To be a Republican you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him , a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet .
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.

If you don't send this to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans in '08.

Is Ze Party Over Here? Is Ze Party Over Zere?

A drag queen reporter at the national convention of the neo- and not so neo-nazi party NPD (in German).

The Parent Trap

Going to a birthing class in Germany is a rather strange experience. When the Germans will have died out, historians might find some of the reasons for the Teutonic demise in those weekends of organized rude awakening. First it was encouraging to see, that I won't be the oldest dad in town. Munich's definitely Germany's Striver's Row, so the young parents were mostly not so young, instead they exuded a sense of affluence and general happiness about starting a family at this point in their lifes. Well not so fast!

In comes the midwife. A mid-30s down to earth seeming lady with a strange approach to getting young parents ready. The majority of the class consists of separating the genders for therapeutic excersises. So all guys go to the other side of the room to write down the changes they expect. Now the lists on both sides of the room get long and longer. Nobody wants to seems oblivious to the strains parenthood will bring. Much to the delight of the midwife, who reads the lists aloud, just to exclaim: "Yes! It's gonna be so bad! But you ain't seen nothing yet! It's gonna be so much worse!". Same exercise model is repeated for - birthing pains, marriage troubles, work difficulties. All with a slight 70s slant of blaming patriarch society. When she demonstrates the unfairness of the parent workload and one of the young fathers dares to mention that he'll work 10 hours a day to support his family, he's met with bitter disdain. Last exercise for the weekend - write a letter to your partner, that she will send out in five months.

I guess I should've read the course's subtilte: "Welcome to 18 years of hell!" S & L are going to a class in New York today. Curious if they dish out extra helpings of pessimism and despair. But I guess we haven't learned anything. Still looking forward. Very much so!

Rambo

It's of course good Hollywood fortune in it's purest and most cynical form that the horrors of Burma made world news just when Stallone wrapped up shooting the Burma themed fourth installment of the Rambo series along the banks of the Salween River between Thailand and Burma. It must've been the first time he's seen real action, since he sounded rather startled in one of his first interviews:

"I witnessed the aftermath - survivors with legs cut off and all kinds of land mine injuries, maggot-infested wounds and ears cut off. We saw many elephants with blown off legs. We hear about Vietnam and Cambodia and this was more horrific." He also told the interviewer: "This is full scale genocide. It would be a whitewashing not to show what's over there. I think there is a story that needs to be told." Half of that quote is actually dialogue from the film (see trailer). The other must've been the pitch.

Watch the trailer for "John Rambo"

The History Of Religion in 90 Seconds

Guess who wins?

Oktoberfest

The Brooklynite on the Ice is right of course, demanding Oktoberfest updates. Gotta fess up though - we missed it. Might have to do with the fact that on the home stretch long distance travels and immobilizing intoxication are postponed until further notice.

Dominik landed a scoop for our weekend magazine though, getting Martin Parr to go on the prowl at the Kaefer Zelt, which is famous for being the Oktoberfest hot spot of the Munich heir and heiress scene. Photo essay came out as brillant as expected.

Otherwise all our observations were limited to the late night spill- and leftovers. After 10 PM you had to drive really slowly, so not to lose points on the slalom course between staggering drunks coming out of the dark rather suddenly. But in a mere span of five block you got to see all archetypes of conspicuous alcohol consumption - the happy barfer, the staggering stuporer, the mumbling hornyist, the keelover lady, the fist swinging part-time touretter. I guess next year we'll have to go. And be one of them.

American Gangster

Isn't this a movie, Scorcese should've made?

Third of October

What? It's national holiday over here in Germany and no fireworks, no barbeques, no parties, no parades, no fleets, no air shows, no sappy songs of national pride, no good natured flag waving, no silly hats, no moments of collectively loving the place you're at, even if it's a collective frustration of where things are going? Just somber speeches, awkward ceremonies and the usual George A. Romero style Oktoberfest debauchery in Munich, because that Bavarian barbarian thing's kinda politically correct? Ja, ja, ja, we lost the war. I know.We really don't like the place we live in, do we?

Listen to Funkmaster Flex's 4th of July broadcast, if you wanna know how to party for your country in style.

Or check out Ray Charles pull off righteous patriotism without flinching.

Or watch Johnny Cash having a not quite as benign patriot moment.

Iran

Looks like SNL can still be true to form (the white suited pop star next to Samberg is Adam Levine of Maroon 5. Not that I knew).